Nicole L, the Executive Director of Revolutionize DMDD, is also a proud mom to a 17-year-old son who has DMDD.
I wanted to take a moment to share some thoughts I’ve gathered from the DMDD Facebook Groups. My hope is to offer insights from my experience that may be helpful for caregivers, and perhaps even enlighten some professionals on how to approach discipline with children who have DMDD. While I’m not a professional, I believe our often challenging lessons can contribute to a more stable home environment. You might not completely agree with everything I share, but I hope it prompts some reflection as you move forward.
First of all, it’s essential to recognize that DMDD is a disability. While it may be invisible, it absolutely qualifies as such. Unfortunately, it manifests as a behavioral disability that cannot simply be disciplined away. Your child is likely aware that they aren’t quite like their peers, which can be a significant source of worry for them. This awareness alone can trigger difficult feelings. And when we discipline them, it can often exacerbate those feelings of inadequacy. Many DMDD children grapple with embarrassment over their behaviors and genuinely wish to change, but they need support to do so. They tend to be cranky and irritable, with triggers that may seem minor to us but feel enormous to them. Even small requests—like brushing their teeth—can send them into a spiral. I remember that feeling acutely.
When it comes to rewards, they don’t always work with DMDD kids. My child would often choose to give up a reward rather than confront a particular task. Now that he’s more stable, I’ve learned that many DMDD kids simply resist doing what’s asked, and it’s hard to pinpoint why. Creating a power struggle in these moments isn’t beneficial for anyone involved.
Consequences, including natural ones, can also set off DMDD children. I’m sure many of you have felt this struggle. I went through a phase of constant battles with my DMDDer, which only led to more tension for him, me, and our home. It took a while for me to accept that traditional approaches just wouldn't work. Looking back, I regret those times of misunderstanding, realizing how unwise it was to apply neurotypical discipline standards to my child. Growing up in a strict environment made that realization tough for me! DMDD children simply don’t fit into that mold, and coming to terms with how they function has been a journey. We’re all human and make mistakes—no child comes with an instruction manual. I genuinely want to help others avoid the “mistakes” I made.
With neurotypical children, the goal of discipline is usually to encourage them to think twice before repeating undesirable behavior. Unfortunately, DMDD kiddos often lack that ability. Their impulse control can be so compromised that stopping to consider their actions feels impossible. When they become impulsive and unregulated, they simply can’t hit the brakes. This can lead to issues like damaged walls or broken electronics, as anger and impulsivity create a perfect storm.
At this point, you might be wondering, “So what can I do?” The truth is, there isn’t a one-size-fits-all answer. If you stumble upon a reward that works, make the most of it until it doesn’t. Consequences might not be effective until your child has reached a level of stability where they can process their actions and learn from them.
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